Archive for the ‘Personal’ Category
I have to celebrate. I am doing the happy dance, I’m a happy camper, I am ecstatic, and giving high 5’s all over the place. Well, not really. Anybody who knows me, knows that I am very calm and don’t show a lot of excitement (anger yes, but not excitement). However, today is such a big deal that I feel like I’m bursting to jump and shout.
My 7 year old has, in the past, had an outrageous attitude. She would talk back to me, wouldn’t do what I asked her to do, and took advantage of privileges of watching TV and playing Nintendo DS. Almost everything was taken away from her, a lot of toys, her TV, her game, and her portable DVD player. Her attitude improved greatly. She wasn’t stomping around the house saying I hate you and I’m not inviting you to my party. Party? Wait, what party? Oh, never mind.
The other day she asked me if I would make a chores chart for her to check off every day. I forgot all about it (I have a habit of doing that). Then I suddenly remembered it this afternoon. In the past 2 days, I have had to repeatedly tell her things, “Leah, put your pajamas on”. “Leah I am going to get your pediasure ready and I expect you to have your PJs on by the time I’m done. It’s bedtime.” Ohhhh, why didn’t you tell me? DUH?!? I’m wasting my breath.
This morning, I had to constantly remind her to do things. All she wanted was her hands on that Nintendo DS , if only just to listen to the music playing from the game. Now, personally, I don’t want to hear the “tinky” music as I call it while I’m trying to wake up and focus at 6:30 in the morning. I tell her to go brush her teeth and get dressed, in that order. She starts to get dressed first (she is notorious for getting toothpaste all over herself). Okay, that got sorted out. Then she comes to me in my office, dressed, and asks for her game. “Leah, where are your socks and shoes?” “Oh, I forgot.”
So this afternoon I decided she was not getting her game back tonight and her attitude better be ship shape. I made out a to-do list for her.
- Put your dirty clothes in the basket in the laundry room, where they belong.
- Pick up the “trash” on the living room floor. We have an 8 month old puppy that drags things out of the trash can and shreds them all over the floor. It is Leah’s job to keep that clean and to put away the dog’s toys at night.
- Pick up the “trash” on my office floor.
- Pick up HER trash in her bedroom. Her trash bin was overflowing with juice boxes, bowls, and spoons and used kleenexes were all over the floor.
- Clean up her bedroom.
- Make Bed.
- Vacuum living room.
- Pick out clothes for school tomorrow.
- Homework pages.
- Bible reading lesson.
- Bathe & dress for bed.
- Brush teeth.
- Say bed time prayers with the night time prayer bunny (she added this last one).
She managed all these chores, some we had to go back and “do over”. Wait, the “whoot whoot” is coming. See # 7? That was really for me. But guess what? She did it herself, for the first time ever, she vacuumed the floor.
Wow, I am still amazed. I never thought she would have the strength in her hands and arms to pull that vacuum back and forth, but she did it. YEAH!
[Mission completed: Teach Leah to use the vacuum]
Every day I struggle with the daily grind of waking up (the biggest struggle of all), meal preparation duties, mother duties, job duties, household duties, friendship duties, bloggy duties and on and on. More importantly, the duty to take care of myself too, both physically and spiritually. I can’t seem to get the motivation to be up and about. I start a project, then I quit. Most days I use the excuse of Chronic Fatigue and pain associated with Fibromyalgia, other days I put it down to just plain laziness. I’ll go along for a while then I have to tell myself “get ahold of yourself, woman, you have things to do”.
My will power and determination is as undisciplined as a two year old toddler. I need to snatch it up and tell it to grow up and take responsibility. But, all it does is stick it’s tongue out, laugh at me, then run away. Of course, this is very depressing and I begin to doubt my skills as a parent, my worth as a person, and my value as a friend.
In the middle of thinking about writing this post and trying to pull it all together, I encountered a minor moment with my daughter that was not the most pleasant. I am very relaxed about keeping a spotless house, therefore, I’m not an extreme stickler for her room always being spotless. We spend a lot of time just by ourselves and for the most part this works for us. It has been pointed out to me lately, frequently in fact, that I am allowing her to be selfish and lazy. Well, that IS the role model that she has… me, so what can you expect?
The “moment” with the other person involved crying on her part, hurt feelings on both sides, and a little bit of blood pressure rising. I, of course, had to step in and protect my daughter, that’s a mom’s job, right? I know I spoil her, I give in a lot, and she has got my number. She will even tell you that she has me all figured out. Nobody understands that my daughter does not always get her way, but I always get my way. Because I’m the mom.
I do little things to make her happy though, I cut off the crust of her bread, not because she is spoiled that way, but because of her eating issues, she has trouble eating the crust. I squeeze the tube of toothpaste for her, not because she is lazy, but because of the limitations in her fingers and hands, she can’t squeeze the tube. I brush her hair for her because she has limitations in her arm and shoulder and can’t reach the back to brush it completely. Any stranger that came in and saw me doing those things for her would naturally think I was spoiling her. Sometimes I forget that.
The “moment” I mentioned before involved a Christmas present my daughter received from her Grandmother. A guitar that is still in the box, leaning up against a wall in my bedroom. She has asked several times to play with it, but I have been sick in the bed for the past 3 days and I just haven’t felt up to listening to it or sitting with her while she is learning to play it. Earlier today she asked for it, and I was on the phone, and I didn’t answer her. So, the “moment” arrived later this evening. She asked for the guitar and when told “no” by the other person, she started to cry. It all escalated from there. I came from my sick bed and sent them to seperate corners.
First, I spoke to the other person and asked that she not be talked to in such a manner. Leah was being told she was “selfish” because she was not being considerate of me during my illness and that I needed rest. She cried and said she didn’t have anything else to play with. Uh, hello, you have 10 million things in your room that you can play with. And the crying got worse, and the blood pressure was rising. That was the point where I separated them. My BP was up too at this point, so it was taken out on the other person, in protection of my daughter.
Again it was pointed out to me that she wins, I always take up for her, defend her and she gets her own way. There is some truth to it. But the point is, I don’t approve of telling a 7 year old they are “selfish”. I try to be more creative about getting my point across instead of just saying that at the top of my voice. Unfortunately, my friend does not see it that way. I was asked, “Do you want her to grow up being selfish? How does she know she is acting that way unless you tell her so?” Fine, tell her so, but not by calling her names at the top of your lungs, and making her burst into tears. Call me crazy, but I just can’t take that. Unfortunately, my efforts to get my point across to the other person hit a brick wall. Our issue is still unresolved, as usual, for this is not the first time we have had a discussion on this subject.
I then sat down with my daughter in her room and explained to her that she needed to be more considerate of others. In fact, we later remembered that was part of her Daisy Girl Scout law and promise. That was a letdown moment for her. I apologized to her, and told her that I had intended earlier to let her have the guitar, but I forgot about it. Now I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I gave her the guitar now, it would appear to the other person that I was letting her have her way. Of course, the other person did not know of my earlier intention.
I have to keep in mind too, that this person’s intentions were also good and really not trying to be hurtful, but trying to be helpful. I’m not sure my daughter understood the reasoning I was trying to present to her. So I tried a little redirection, I told her that if she would clean up her room, I would do something in return for her. So the rest of the evening smoothed itself out with no more fuss. We ate dinner, she cleaned up the table, fed the dog, picked up the dog’s toys, brushed her teeth, and went to bed. Both parties apologized to each other and hugs were shared. All with no more mention of the guitar. And, no, she did not get the guitar. 🙂
So, as I mentioned at the beginning of my post, I constantly doubt my role as a parent and I always feel off balance. Just before going to bed, my daughter came to me and threw her arms around my neck and said you have the best parenting skills ever. Now how in the world did she know that? It’s not something I’ve spoken to her about. I brightened considerably, and on the inside I felt some of the constriction release around my heart and the tension ease from my body.
Earlier I mentioned that I was working on putting my thoughts together for this post, but I hadn’t found a true focus on it yet, but I already had the title in place “A Mission A Day”. I think I was going to focus on a plan for the new year, not necessarily a New Year’s Resolution, but a motivation for keeping my focus on the “prize” from each day, or a mission completed for each day.
Today I feel that a mission was completed, a confirmation that I do have a set of parenting skills that work, even though they don’t fall in the parameters of what somebody else would call good parenting. Now I feel energized and that I can accomplish one of my “duties” for the day. Even if it is only to get up and brush my teeth, brush my hair and put on clean pajamas (don’t forget, I’ve been sick in the bed for 3 days).
So, I am committing to recognizing a mission I completed each day during 2011. Whatever that mission may be… reading my Bible devotion for the day, or retweeting posts for my online friends, or having a small moment with my daughter to make her happy. No matter how small, I need to recognize it at the end of the day and be thankful that I am able to do those things. I want to present myself as a better role model for my daughter, and it’s time I made that change, to take responsibility for the good things, not remembering only the deficiencies in my life.
I have a few blogging challenges that I am considering joining in on that I hope will help me to focus on things that are good and delightful. I am so ready to end my day remembering the joy that occurred during that day and thanking God for giving me that experience.
P.S. I love comments, but if you prefer to just leave a thumbnail of your visit through the Linky List below that is fine too. I’ll be sure to visit back. xoxoxo
Visitors to Today’s Blog Post
No, this is not a menu plan. I’m just not into eating eyes, but I can chomp down on some finger-lickin’ bar-b-que ribs from time to time. This is actually about my doctor’s visits yesterday and today. UGH! More appointments? Yes. I just can’t get enough.
Yesterday, I posted about watching where I was going, or rather about NOT watching where I was going. I mentioned my newest symptoms that I have been having….. my left eye and my left side under my ribs.
I did see the eye doctor yesterday and he dilated my eyes. Yep, he can see the floater, right in the middle (I’m thankful it wasn’t Capn’ Crunch). He goes on to tell me the good news… I don’t have a retinal tear or detachment. And, of course, he just has to share the bad news…. I do have a posterior vitreous detachment or PVD. It’s common, he says, while nodding his head up and down. But doc, was it caused by my fall? I felt like I had been hit with a brick at full force. Weeellllll, maybe, was the answer. He’s not positive, but it could have. Well. The bad news gets worse… your new best friend is going to be the HUGE floater for a very long time, give it a name, how about JOSEPH? No, thanks. I haven’t come up with anything better, but I will. On a brighter note, or not, the light flashes should go away soon. No treatment, and come back in 2 weeks just to make sure that it hasn’t gotten worse.
Today, I go to see my primary physician. I tell him all that has happened as he busily scribbles away, occasionally looking up when I point to various parts of my body. Then I get to the part about my side hurting. It bothers me a little, but when I press on it, it’s very tender. He reaches out and PRESSES along the edge of my rib cage. YIKES! That hurt, doc. So, here comes the head nodding. Again. Yes, that is your floating rib. You’ve bruised it. Doc, was it caused by the fall? Absolutely. Watch for swelling and let me know if it gets worse. Otherwise come back in 3 months.
So, has it been a win-win 2 days? Yes. No meds. No surgeries. I’m not 100%, but I’m … good.
Current Mood: Sickly
Well, I have busted my July NaBloPoMo challenge. I didn’t post anything yesterday. I was kinda tired last night and wasn’t feeling up to much of anything. I came to the conclusion last night that I am going to give up some of my personal activities… choosing the one that I would rather be doing the most of. The problem is everything I love to do involves using my hands… crochet, arts & crafts, blogging/web design & graphics. That is one of the areas that I am experiencing the most pain right now… my hands. There are some days that I can’t even hold a book to read. I’ve pretty much cut out the crochet work and arts & crafts I’ve been doing. So now I have all these craft kits and supplies stored out in my garage that I need to do something with.
All of these boxes are stuffed full of all different kinds of crafts that I have been collecting over the past several years. I haven’t made time to work on them because of having an infant turned toddler turned preschooler underfoot. I was thinking late this year I could start working on some of them and not have to be too worried that she was going to mess with my “stuff”. So, I guess I just need to get rid of it, either through ebay or etsy. It’s going to be hard to part with all of it. I’ll probably cry.
So that leaves my personal computer time. I’m going to make myself spend less time on the computer, so I don’t know what that is going to do to my blogging or my comment challenges. I so enjoy posting my photographs that I take, and occasionally writing an article. But it does take a toll on me to spend the time composing and writing the blog post. This morning, I tried to lay in the bed as late as possible, and I only managed to stay in the bed until about 10:30 or 11:00. After being interrupted about 5 or 6 times by Leah Rose wanting something and having to get up and take care of it, then laying back down again. It almost wasn’t worth the effort. So I got up and laid on the sofa and just did some channel surfing on the TV. Not much was on and I got bored very quickly. By about 3 or 4:00, I was about to go stir crazy from not doing something… anything. So I had to get up and play on the computer some.
So, here are a few things that I worked on. I was checking out imagechef.com and created this image. I thought it turned out pretty cute.
I love my fairy princess.
I took my baby to the hairdresser yesterday and got her to cut her hair cut. Up until now, I’ve only been just getting her bangs and ends trimmed. I think she has the prettiest hair, it’s got kind of a red tint to it that she gets from my maternal grandmother.
All this long hair on a 5 year old really is a pain to keep up. She doesn’t care for wearing ponytails, but she always has her head down, and the sides just hang down in front of her face. I finally got tired of looking at it that way. So, here is what happened at the hairdresser.
She cut off about 5 or 6 inches. It’s going to take me a really long time to get used to it.
I love my Leah Rose.
Current Mood: Happy
Last month, I posted “Waiting for Test Results“, and today was my follow-up appointment. Drum roll, please, the rest results are in… negative for arthritis and lupus. The doctor says, “I’m sorry to say this, but I think you have fibromyalgia.” Well, doctor, the med you gave me didn’t work because I’m still in pain. “Not at all? Okay”, the doctor says, “I have something else I can give you”. Oh goody. So, he asks, “What else?”. I say, “I have pain at the base of my spine, where the waist of my jeans rub against my skin. It feels inflamed, swollen.” It’s tender to the touch. The doctor says, “Keep an eye on it, and if you develop a rash, let me know right away… that could be shingles.” Oh yeah. This is just getting better and better. “What else?” he says. You would have thought by now that I would just keep my flappy mouth shut, but nooooo, I have to mention the pain in my hip that was so bad I was limping. “Hmmm, gobbledygook, gobbledygook”. Huh, say that again? He asked, “did it get better on it’s own?” “Yes”, I say, “but I had to stay off of it”. My doctor translation finally lit up, and understood what the gobbledygook was… bursitis. So, my visit was then complete. Oh, wait, except for the “come back in 12 days” part. I can take Alieve. I’ve only been taking it at night and that really didn’t help much. Sometimes a heating pad did more for me than actually taking anything.
I drive home, all the while, aware that every muscle, in my arms, legs and back were hurting. I get home, and I’m exhausted. I try to do some work on my laptop… extreme pain in my right hand every time I touch the mouse. Okay, it’s not shocking me, it’s not stabbing me. It’s really annoying. It’s really going to put a crimp in my personal computer time. It’s already put a crimp in my volunteer/charity crochet work that I do.
So that’s my Thursday thadunk. I’m off to take my meds and try to get some rest and hope that I wake up tomorrow with a brighter outlook.
Current Mood: Sickly
This week seems to be rushing by. And I don’t feel like I have accomplished a thing. Work has been a little busy. When we came back on Sunday, I just unloaded the car and dumped our bags and things in the corner of my bedroom. I haven’t even unpacked them yet. Mama came home from the hospital on Monday. She was pretty weak Monday evening, but yesterday she was much better. She was out buying shoes for Leah Rose. They are both shoe hogs, and have a closet full of shoes. Oh well, at least I don’t have to buy them. Mama also told me that she is ready to fill out a living will and a power of attorney. The hospital gave her all the paperwork, so we are going to try to work on those soon. I probably need to do one too. I don’t even have a current will. The only one I have leaves everything to my ex-husband, but I’ve been told that was voided due to our divorce. I need to make some kind of plans for Leah if something ever happened to me, but I’m kinda in limbo about making arrangements for someone to care for her.
We found out more about our friend that was in the car accident on Saturday. She was talking to her husband on her cell phone, and he heard the crash. She was killed instantly. That must have been awful for him to hear that over the phone. We also found out she had the green light, and from witness accounts, the ambulance that hit her did not have a siren on. Her friends in Indiana will be attending a visitation tonight, then the family is bringing her here for a visitation on Friday and funeral on Sunday. That pretty much takes care of my weekend.
My aunt is doing pretty good. Mama is making the arrangements for my aunt to have surgery on her middle finger of her right hand. She has a “trigger” finger, it’s very painful, and wasn’t successful with using the brace and therapy. She also has a spur on her elbow that the doctor is going to put a shot in while she is asleep. That will probably be coming up soon, and I’ll more than likely be helping Mama out. At least that surgery will be in my town, and maybe I won’t have to be gone from work too long.
Tomorrow, I have my followup appointment with my internist. I should be getting my blood test results to rule out arthritis and lupus, and to determine if I have fibromyalgia. I have been taking the medication that he gave me, but I don’t think it has helped with the pain. I can’t figure out if it is supposed to make my brain think I’m better, so I won’t hurt, or what, but I still have pain. In fact, I’m still limping with a bad hip since Sunday. It is better, but it is still there. My aunt also has a follow-up tomorrow with the same doctor. She will be getting the results from her sleep study from a couple weeks ago.
Yesterday, I got my first free couple hours this summer. I had to go to the grocery store… I was out of my morning IV fluids… Dr. Pepper. A friend was kind enough to come over and sit with Leah while I was gone. I so enjoyed the peace and quiet. My 5 year old is a chatter box, and she follows me around the house all day long, yapping at me, and I cannot get her to stop. My ears really needed the break. I didn’t even turn on the radio in the car, just so I could enjoy the total quiet. On #GNO on Twitter last night, the girls were discussing what are the benefits of “me” time, and how do you get your free time. I was feeling a little left out, because I don’t have a significant other where I can just walk out the door and say “watch the kid, I’ll be back later”. Another suggestion that was mentioned was swapping babysitting with another mom. I haven’t connected with another mom nearby for that option. I need some “me” time, desperately. I would so love a weekend to just lay in the bed until noon without being interrupted every 15 minutes with “Mom, Mom, I can’t find…”, “Mom, Mom, my computer won’t work… “, “Mom, Mom, where are my games…?”. What a way to wake up every morning. But my few little hours of solitude wasn’t enough. I need MORE.
I watched the new series on SciFi last night called “Warehouse 13“. That looks like it might be a pretty good show. I’m looking forward to the new EUREKA series too. And, did you know that the SciFi Channel officially became the SyFy Channel yesterday? Oh, and by the way, I’m not going to admit that I listened to almost all of the MJ Funeral yesterday.
I hope ya’ll have a wonderful Wednesday. Be sure to check out my Wordless Wednesday and Sepia Scenes posts. While you are at it, why don’t you come by my Facebook page and Become a Fan?
Current Mood: Happy
Could I have one more day, for a 4-day weekend, pleeeaaaase? This has been a busy time, I don’t even feel like I’ve had a chance to take a breath.
My mother went into the hospital on Thursday, and we found out on Friday that she has colitis. She has been battling with pain in her stomach for a month or so, and the doctor finally put her in the hospital to pump antibiotics and fluids into her. I did try to rest a little on Friday, but we went out to get a birthday gift for a friend. His birthday party was on Saturday, and he turned six years old. His mama is a dear friend, and we’ve known each other forever. She had a pirate/Hawaiian luau theme, and we had a great time. The food was declicious and there were a lot of people there that I knew, so the company was good too. Here is a picture she took of us.
And this is what she had for them to play on.
Can you believe Leah, barely 32 lbs and 41-1/2 inches tall, went down this thing? It’s HUGE! Okay, so she only went down it once, and only when all the big kids were watching the birthday boy open his presents. I put her ear plugs in with an ear bandit, and she climbed up with a little bit of help from one of the bigger girls. She came flying down and landed in the pool of water. I didn’t think to tell her to close her eyes and hold her nose. She got water up her nose and I think it scared her at first. But after a minute, she started laughing and said that was fun, and that she “gargled” under water. She tried to go up again, but she slipped a little on the ladder and decided she had had enough. There was another little small pool just to the left that you can’t see in the pic, and that’s where she stayed almost the whole time.
After we left there, we went over to the hospital to visit with my mother and then went to my aunt’s house to spend the night. I get there, and my aunt’s housecleaning lady tells me she has stopped up the garbage disposal with potato peelings, so I knew it was going to be a long night after a long day. I stood out in the sun for almost 3 hours because there was no rest for the mom of a little girl afraid of all the rowdy kids and splashing water. I had a pounding headache. We ate some supper and had some ice cream, and finally that went away. The cleaning lady went out and bought a little hand held plunger and she worked on that sink for about 20 minutes, but by golly, she got that thing unstopped. She was so upset with herself over stopping up the sink. But it could have happened to any one of us.
My aunt told me she was worried she was retaining fluid again because she was having a little trouble catching her breath and she thought she was gaining weight. I checked her ankles and she didn’t have any swelling, and her breathing sounded okay to me. After consulting with my mother on the phone (I hated calling her up at the hospital about it, but I wanted to be sure I knew what I was doing), we weighed my aunt and she had actually lost a couple pounds. She weighed herself at the doctor’s office on Friday, and their scales are usually a little higher than hers at home. I think she just got herself upset over that and then her breathing was affected. I think she felt better after we weighed her though. After putting fresh sheets on the bed, and getting Leah settled down, I still got in the bed and was asleep before 11 pm. Not too bad.
I must have slept pretty good, because I didn’t hear a thing, and I don’t think I woke up during the night. Leah woke me up this morning wanting pediasure and to watch a movie. And, I woke up with severe pain in my hip. I’m walking with a limp now. It’s been hurting all day. As soon as I finish this post, I’m going to bed with a heating pad and some Alieve. We finally got up and moving about, dressed, and packed up the car and went back over to the hospital to visit with my mother again. She was moved to a much nicer room today, so that will be nice for her. She might be able to go home tomorrow. We stayed there for several hours, then we started home. Of course, I had to listen to “I miss Grandmother” for a good ways. On the way, I decided to stop by a friend’s house. It was nice visiting with them, but again, I had to listen to a little more sobbing for a while when we left.
We did get some bad news last night. A friend of ours in Indiana was killed in a car accident just a couple hours before. The friend was going to the grocery store to buy fish to cook for dinner, and she pulled out in front of a fully loaded ambulance, and it couldn’t stop in time. She was killed instantly. It’s very sad, because she was a beautiful, Christian lady, and she will be missed by her husband and her family. I know my mother will miss her terribly, because she was such a dear friend and was so very nice to my mother. Makes you think on things when something like this happens so very suddenly.
We finally got home, and I am dog tired and not looking forward to getting up in the morning to go back to work. So I’m begging for one more day, please? Can somebody set the day clock to squeeze in an extra 24 hours before 8:00 tomorrow morning? Thanks and good night!
Current Mood: Happy