Posts Tagged ‘Personal’
Every day I struggle with the daily grind of waking up (the biggest struggle of all), meal preparation duties, mother duties, job duties, household duties, friendship duties, bloggy duties and on and on. More importantly, the duty to take care of myself too, both physically and spiritually. I can’t seem to get the motivation to be up and about. I start a project, then I quit. Most days I use the excuse of Chronic Fatigue and pain associated with Fibromyalgia, other days I put it down to just plain laziness. I’ll go along for a while then I have to tell myself “get ahold of yourself, woman, you have things to do”.
My will power and determination is as undisciplined as a two year old toddler. I need to snatch it up and tell it to grow up and take responsibility. But, all it does is stick it’s tongue out, laugh at me, then run away. Of course, this is very depressing and I begin to doubt my skills as a parent, my worth as a person, and my value as a friend.
In the middle of thinking about writing this post and trying to pull it all together, I encountered a minor moment with my daughter that was not the most pleasant. I am very relaxed about keeping a spotless house, therefore, I’m not an extreme stickler for her room always being spotless. We spend a lot of time just by ourselves and for the most part this works for us. It has been pointed out to me lately, frequently in fact, that I am allowing her to be selfish and lazy. Well, that IS the role model that she has… me, so what can you expect?
The “moment” with the other person involved crying on her part, hurt feelings on both sides, and a little bit of blood pressure rising. I, of course, had to step in and protect my daughter, that’s a mom’s job, right? I know I spoil her, I give in a lot, and she has got my number. She will even tell you that she has me all figured out. Nobody understands that my daughter does not always get her way, but I always get my way. Because I’m the mom.
I do little things to make her happy though, I cut off the crust of her bread, not because she is spoiled that way, but because of her eating issues, she has trouble eating the crust. I squeeze the tube of toothpaste for her, not because she is lazy, but because of the limitations in her fingers and hands, she can’t squeeze the tube. I brush her hair for her because she has limitations in her arm and shoulder and can’t reach the back to brush it completely. Any stranger that came in and saw me doing those things for her would naturally think I was spoiling her. Sometimes I forget that.
The “moment” I mentioned before involved a Christmas present my daughter received from her Grandmother. A guitar that is still in the box, leaning up against a wall in my bedroom. She has asked several times to play with it, but I have been sick in the bed for the past 3 days and I just haven’t felt up to listening to it or sitting with her while she is learning to play it. Earlier today she asked for it, and I was on the phone, and I didn’t answer her. So, the “moment” arrived later this evening. She asked for the guitar and when told “no” by the other person, she started to cry. It all escalated from there. I came from my sick bed and sent them to seperate corners.
First, I spoke to the other person and asked that she not be talked to in such a manner. Leah was being told she was “selfish” because she was not being considerate of me during my illness and that I needed rest. She cried and said she didn’t have anything else to play with. Uh, hello, you have 10 million things in your room that you can play with. And the crying got worse, and the blood pressure was rising. That was the point where I separated them. My BP was up too at this point, so it was taken out on the other person, in protection of my daughter.
Again it was pointed out to me that she wins, I always take up for her, defend her and she gets her own way. There is some truth to it. But the point is, I don’t approve of telling a 7 year old they are “selfish”. I try to be more creative about getting my point across instead of just saying that at the top of my voice. Unfortunately, my friend does not see it that way. I was asked, “Do you want her to grow up being selfish? How does she know she is acting that way unless you tell her so?” Fine, tell her so, but not by calling her names at the top of your lungs, and making her burst into tears. Call me crazy, but I just can’t take that. Unfortunately, my efforts to get my point across to the other person hit a brick wall. Our issue is still unresolved, as usual, for this is not the first time we have had a discussion on this subject.
I then sat down with my daughter in her room and explained to her that she needed to be more considerate of others. In fact, we later remembered that was part of her Daisy Girl Scout law and promise. That was a letdown moment for her. I apologized to her, and told her that I had intended earlier to let her have the guitar, but I forgot about it. Now I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I gave her the guitar now, it would appear to the other person that I was letting her have her way. Of course, the other person did not know of my earlier intention.
I have to keep in mind too, that this person’s intentions were also good and really not trying to be hurtful, but trying to be helpful. I’m not sure my daughter understood the reasoning I was trying to present to her. So I tried a little redirection, I told her that if she would clean up her room, I would do something in return for her. So the rest of the evening smoothed itself out with no more fuss. We ate dinner, she cleaned up the table, fed the dog, picked up the dog’s toys, brushed her teeth, and went to bed. Both parties apologized to each other and hugs were shared. All with no more mention of the guitar. And, no, she did not get the guitar.
So, as I mentioned at the beginning of my post, I constantly doubt my role as a parent and I always feel off balance. Just before going to bed, my daughter came to me and threw her arms around my neck and said you have the best parenting skills ever. Now how in the world did she know that? It’s not something I’ve spoken to her about. I brightened considerably, and on the inside I felt some of the constriction release around my heart and the tension ease from my body.
Earlier I mentioned that I was working on putting my thoughts together for this post, but I hadn’t found a true focus on it yet, but I already had the title in place “A Mission A Day”. I think I was going to focus on a plan for the new year, not necessarily a New Year’s Resolution, but a motivation for keeping my focus on the “prize” from each day, or a mission completed for each day.
Today I feel that a mission was completed, a confirmation that I do have a set of parenting skills that work, even though they don’t fall in the parameters of what somebody else would call good parenting. Now I feel energized and that I can accomplish one of my “duties” for the day. Even if it is only to get up and brush my teeth, brush my hair and put on clean pajamas (don’t forget, I’ve been sick in the bed for 3 days).
So, I am committing to recognizing a mission I completed each day during 2011. Whatever that mission may be… reading my Bible devotion for the day, or retweeting posts for my online friends, or having a small moment with my daughter to make her happy. No matter how small, I need to recognize it at the end of the day and be thankful that I am able to do those things. I want to present myself as a better role model for my daughter, and it’s time I made that change, to take responsibility for the good things, not remembering only the deficiencies in my life.
I have a few blogging challenges that I am considering joining in on that I hope will help me to focus on things that are good and delightful. I am so ready to end my day remembering the joy that occurred during that day and thanking God for giving me that experience.
P.S. I love comments, but if you prefer to just leave a thumbnail of your visit through the Linky List below that is fine too. I’ll be sure to visit back. xoxoxo
Visitors to Today’s Blog Post
Well, I have busted my July NaBloPoMo challenge. I didn’t post anything yesterday. I was kinda tired last night and wasn’t feeling up to much of anything. I came to the conclusion last night that I am going to give up some of my personal activities… choosing the one that I would rather be doing the most of. The problem is everything I love to do involves using my hands… crochet, arts & crafts, blogging/web design & graphics. That is one of the areas that I am experiencing the most pain right now… my hands. There are some days that I can’t even hold a book to read. I’ve pretty much cut out the crochet work and arts & crafts I’ve been doing. So now I have all these craft kits and supplies stored out in my garage that I need to do something with.
All of these boxes are stuffed full of all different kinds of crafts that I have been collecting over the past several years. I haven’t made time to work on them because of having an infant turned toddler turned preschooler underfoot. I was thinking late this year I could start working on some of them and not have to be too worried that she was going to mess with my “stuff”. So, I guess I just need to get rid of it, either through ebay or etsy. It’s going to be hard to part with all of it. I’ll probably cry.
So that leaves my personal computer time. I’m going to make myself spend less time on the computer, so I don’t know what that is going to do to my blogging or my comment challenges. I so enjoy posting my photographs that I take, and occasionally writing an article. But it does take a toll on me to spend the time composing and writing the blog post. This morning, I tried to lay in the bed as late as possible, and I only managed to stay in the bed until about 10:30 or 11:00. After being interrupted about 5 or 6 times by Leah Rose wanting something and having to get up and take care of it, then laying back down again. It almost wasn’t worth the effort. So I got up and laid on the sofa and just did some channel surfing on the TV. Not much was on and I got bored very quickly. By about 3 or 4:00, I was about to go stir crazy from not doing something… anything. So I had to get up and play on the computer some.
So, here are a few things that I worked on. I was checking out imagechef.com and created this image. I thought it turned out pretty cute.
I love my fairy princess.
I took my baby to the hairdresser yesterday and got her to cut her hair cut. Up until now, I’ve only been just getting her bangs and ends trimmed. I think she has the prettiest hair, it’s got kind of a red tint to it that she gets from my maternal grandmother.
All this long hair on a 5 year old really is a pain to keep up. She doesn’t care for wearing ponytails, but she always has her head down, and the sides just hang down in front of her face. I finally got tired of looking at it that way. So, here is what happened at the hairdresser.
She cut off about 5 or 6 inches. It’s going to take me a really long time to get used to it.
I love my Leah Rose.
Current Mood: Happy
Last month, I posted “Waiting for Test Results“, and today was my follow-up appointment. Drum roll, please, the rest results are in… negative for arthritis and lupus. The doctor says, “I’m sorry to say this, but I think you have fibromyalgia.” Well, doctor, the med you gave me didn’t work because I’m still in pain. ”Not at all? Okay”, the doctor says, “I have something else I can give you”. Oh goody. So, he asks, “What else?”. I say, “I have pain at the base of my spine, where the waist of my jeans rub against my skin. It feels inflamed, swollen.” It’s tender to the touch. The doctor says, “Keep an eye on it, and if you develop a rash, let me know right away… that could be shingles.” Oh yeah. This is just getting better and better. ”What else?” he says. You would have thought by now that I would just keep my flappy mouth shut, but nooooo, I have to mention the pain in my hip that was so bad I was limping. ”Hmmm, gobbledygook, gobbledygook”. Huh, say that again? He asked, “did it get better on it’s own?” ”Yes”, I say, “but I had to stay off of it”. My doctor translation finally lit up, and understood what the gobbledygook was… bursitis. So, my visit was then complete. Oh, wait, except for the “come back in 12 days” part. I can take Alieve. I’ve only been taking it at night and that really didn’t help much. Sometimes a heating pad did more for me than actually taking anything.
I drive home, all the while, aware that every muscle, in my arms, legs and back were hurting. I get home, and I’m exhausted. I try to do some work on my laptop… extreme pain in my right hand every time I touch the mouse. Okay, it’s not shocking me, it’s not stabbing me. It’s really annoying. It’s really going to put a crimp in my personal computer time. It’s already put a crimp in my volunteer/charity crochet work that I do.
So that’s my Thursday thadunk. I’m off to take my meds and try to get some rest and hope that I wake up tomorrow with a brighter outlook.
Current Mood: Sickly
This week seems to be rushing by. And I don’t feel like I have accomplished a thing. Work has been a little busy. When we came back on Sunday, I just unloaded the car and dumped our bags and things in the corner of my bedroom. I haven’t even unpacked them yet. Mama came home from the hospital on Monday. She was pretty weak Monday evening, but yesterday she was much better. She was out buying shoes for Leah Rose. They are both shoe hogs, and have a closet full of shoes. Oh well, at least I don’t have to buy them. Mama also told me that she is ready to fill out a living will and a power of attorney. The hospital gave her all the paperwork, so we are going to try to work on those soon. I probably need to do one too. I don’t even have a current will. The only one I have leaves everything to my ex-husband, but I’ve been told that was voided due to our divorce. I need to make some kind of plans for Leah if something ever happened to me, but I’m kinda in limbo about making arrangements for someone to care for her.
We found out more about our friend that was in the car accident on Saturday. She was talking to her husband on her cell phone, and he heard the crash. She was killed instantly. That must have been awful for him to hear that over the phone. We also found out she had the green light, and from witness accounts, the ambulance that hit her did not have a siren on. Her friends in Indiana will be attending a visitation tonight, then the family is bringing her here for a visitation on Friday and funeral on Sunday. That pretty much takes care of my weekend.
My aunt is doing pretty good. Mama is making the arrangements for my aunt to have surgery on her middle finger of her right hand. She has a “trigger” finger, it’s very painful, and wasn’t successful with using the brace and therapy. She also has a spur on her elbow that the doctor is going to put a shot in while she is asleep. That will probably be coming up soon, and I’ll more than likely be helping Mama out. At least that surgery will be in my town, and maybe I won’t have to be gone from work too long.
Tomorrow, I have my followup appointment with my internist. I should be getting my blood test results to rule out arthritis and lupus, and to determine if I have fibromyalgia. I have been taking the medication that he gave me, but I don’t think it has helped with the pain. I can’t figure out if it is supposed to make my brain think I’m better, so I won’t hurt, or what, but I still have pain. In fact, I’m still limping with a bad hip since Sunday. It is better, but it is still there. My aunt also has a follow-up tomorrow with the same doctor. She will be getting the results from her sleep study from a couple weeks ago.
Yesterday, I got my first free couple hours this summer. I had to go to the grocery store… I was out of my morning IV fluids… Dr. Pepper. A friend was kind enough to come over and sit with Leah while I was gone. I so enjoyed the peace and quiet. My 5 year old is a chatter box, and she follows me around the house all day long, yapping at me, and I cannot get her to stop. My ears really needed the break. I didn’t even turn on the radio in the car, just so I could enjoy the total quiet. On #GNO on Twitter last night, the girls were discussing what are the benefits of “me” time, and how do you get your free time. I was feeling a little left out, because I don’t have a significant other where I can just walk out the door and say “watch the kid, I’ll be back later”. Another suggestion that was mentioned was swapping babysitting with another mom. I haven’t connected with another mom nearby for that option. I need some “me” time, desperately. I would so love a weekend to just lay in the bed until noon without being interrupted every 15 minutes with “Mom, Mom, I can’t find…”, “Mom, Mom, my computer won’t work… “, “Mom, Mom, where are my games…?”. What a way to wake up every morning. But my few little hours of solitude wasn’t enough. I need MORE.
I watched the new series on SciFi last night called “Warehouse 13“. That looks like it might be a pretty good show. I’m looking forward to the new EUREKA series too. And, did you know that the SciFi Channel officially became the SyFy Channel yesterday? Oh, and by the way, I’m not going to admit that I listened to almost all of the MJ Funeral yesterday.
I hope ya’ll have a wonderful Wednesday. Be sure to check out my Wordless Wednesday and Sepia Scenes posts. While you are at it, why don’t you come by my Facebook page and Become a Fan?
Current Mood: Happy
I live a very solitary life. I’m a 47 year old single mom and sole caregiver to a 5 year old with special needs. I work at home, telecommuting as an administrative assistant for a technology services company, and I communicate with my fellow employees, managers, and supervisors, via email, and occasionally by phone. I get up each morning, send my daughter off to school on the bus, and settle in to my work routine, and try to sneak in a little housework every now and then. My daughter comes home, at 4:00, we eat supper, we prepare for the next day, and then get ready for bed. After she is in the bed, I spend several hours at night working on some type of project… my blog, or my crochet, or photography, or reading, or surfing/browsing blogs, or something. Sleep is always illusive to me.
I have a lot of friends and acquaintances, but I’m not a social butterfly. I’m a “don’t get in my space” kinda gal. I don’t have frequent visitors, and come to think of it, very few visitors. Most of my friends I have known all my life and they are wonderful friends, but I just don’t gab on the phone or visit with them all the time. I have one friend in Florida that I email quite frequently, although I’ve been lax lately, and she sent me a message saying “Why the silence?” So I sent her a really long winded email this morning. It probably took her all day to read it . I like having friends, but I also like it that they just don’t pop in anytime, and mess up my routine… haha. I don’t know my neighbors and I’ve lived here for 2-1/2 years almost. I wave at the one neighbor on the left, if I see them out walking their dog, but we never chat. The neighbor on my other side is a newly divorced military guy who keeps to himself too. We chat briefly if we see each other in the yard, but that’s it. Across the street and in the other surrounding houses, I don’t know a soul.
I have 2 groups of friends… one group is from my mother’s church. I grew up in a non-denominational church… extremely religious and a lot of very strict rules. I am no longer a member of that church, I don’t feel like it is the right place for me, but I still have lots of friends there. I see them for special occasions, like birthdays. They always include Leah Rose in birthday invitations. I am grateful to them because they have opened their arms and hearts with love to Leah and shown her nothing but kindness. They have even helped out in a pinch when I needed a babysitter for emergencies. I have visited differently churches from time to time, but I haven’t really found one that I feel comfortable being in. The other group of friends are my school friends, and people that I’ve worked with over the years. I wasn’t very popular in school, and was only an outsider in a small circle of friends. I see them only if I happen to bump into them around town, which hardly ever happens. I didn’t really keep in touch with any of my friends from my previous 2 marriages, so I don’t even call them acquaintances any longer. Honestly, I don’t even know that I would recognize them if I saw them.
My work situation works for me. I work at home to care for my daughter. We have had a murderous schedule of specialists, surgeries, and therapists. But I like not having to listen to the water cooler gossip at the office, or the bickering amongst co-workers. I like the people that I support. They are a great group and are always supportive of me and always courteous. I’ve worked in situations before where the men are just plain rude and the women flirt with everybody. I am constantly amazed at the group I work with… no scandals, no divorces, no work-related drama, at least none that I hear about, and it makes for easy work relationships. I really do not miss working in an office environment at all, but I am separated by 350 miles from people that I’ve worked with for almost 13 years. They are all in Florida and I lived there from 1996 to 2006. I miss seeing them face to face. We have several new employees in the past couple of years and I’ve never even met them.
Since my work situation is unique, I don’t really fit into any type of group. I’m a WAHM, but I’m not a WAHM in the true sense of the word, so it’s difficult to find common ground with other WAHM’s. As for being a mom to a 5 year old, well, it’s hard to find common ground there too. I’m 20 years older than most mothers with young children, and most women my age are retired or semi-retired and have grandchildren. Then again, I don’t like being in a group that is gossipy about each other. I always seem to be caught in the middle between a ‘warring’ faction. As for other mothers of children with special needs… I’ve met quite a few. In this area, there seems to be a majority of children with autism. So there again, no common ground with those types of mothers.
I have a special “friend” that I spend time with. This is the first time I’ve mentioned this person on my blog because I’m not sure how this person would feel about being a part of my “internet” life. So for the time being, I’m going to keep that part of my life private.
For the most part, I like my solitary life. Occasionally, I wish for a small group of friends, maybe a mix of couples and singles, maybe close to my age, and we all know each other well, intimately (not biblically), but we know each other’s likes and dislikes. Just some easy going folks to hang out with occasionally, or go to the movies, or dinner, or play a board game of some sort. Not preachy types, but a group who live “clean”, like no drugs, no alcohol, no abusive behavior, and just enjoy life. At the same time, a group of responsible adults, no criminal activity, or such. Sounds too perfect, doesn’t it?
I wouldn’t mind being part of a local crochet group, or a reading group. A schedule? No, I don’t think so, but just an outlet for some of my interests.
My thoughts tonight have been swirling around in my head for a very long time, and I’ve only said them to only one or two people. But what has prompted me to put this down in words is because 1) I very rarely write about anything personal in my blog, which I want to change, and 2) I bumped into 2 old friends yesterday when I was out and about. One lady was a former co-worker. She seemed to be so happy to see me, and I was very happy to see her. Her kids are all grown and she has grandchildren now. We couldn’t hardly talk fast enough to catch each other up in the short amount of time we had. The other lady was a school friend. We’ve known each other since the 3rd or 4th grade and lived down the street from each other. Her kids are also grown and she has never remarried, and still lives in the same neighborhood we grew up in. My friend was excited to see me because she had just mentioned me to another friend just 3 days ago. She drives by my childhood home and wonders “Where is she?” Well, now she knows. I’ve been invited to come over and visit with her and her sister. I fully intend to take her up on the offer, then again, I’m a homebody and I don’t get out much. A lot of it has been because it’s such a hassle to go out with a young child. But my child, my “wild” child, IS a social butterfly and she loves visiting people. So I think I’m just going to have to get up off my beehine and go visit my friend.
This weekend there are 2 festivals in the area and I’m planning on going. Hopefully, I can take some pictures to share on my blog. Spring is here and I need to get out more often. I think I’m turning stale.
Happy Friday! And have a good weekend.
Current Mood: Happy